Artemis vs Hannibal Lector
by Dlvvanzor
Summary: Artemis and Dr. Hannibal Lector in an intense intellectual contest. Is Hannibal the Cannibal a match for Arty Most Fowl? Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl or Hannibal Lector.

"Fowl, I have met the one man who may be smarter than you," Holly announced.

Artemis raised one eyebrow, his trademark expression. To be fair, though, he did not make a lot of facial expressions from which to choose for a trademark. "Indeed, Captain Short? I would love to meet this man. I presume that's him you are attempting to conceal beneath that cam foil?"

Holly grumbled, her thunder stolen. Without another word, she pulled back the cam foil and floated to the corner of the room.

The man who had been hidden brushed off his own Armani suit and glanced around quickly before settling his icy blue gaze on Artemis.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Lector. I trust your flight with Captain Short was turbulent and sadly eventful?"

Hannibal Lector chuckled. "Yes it was, Master Fowl. Clearly you have had the pleasure of such an experience yourself."

"On several occasions." He gave him his best vampire grin.

Hannibal's eyes never left the youth's. "Artemis, oh, may I call you Artemis?"

"Of course."

"Thank you. I must say that I admire your home. Eighteenth century, if I am not mistaken."

Holly was fascinated. Hannibal the Cannibal and Arty Most Fowl in a face off. She had gold riding on this one. She paid attention again with Artemis's next retort.

"May I get you something to eat, Dr. Lector? I regret that we are out of what you would perhaps most desire, but I happen to be infamous for my inability to make a sandwich."

Artemis was speaking more formally than ever. She knew he must have heard about Lector- know thine enemy- and had known right away not to underestimate the man. But did he have a chance? Hannibal was possibly just as intelligent as Artemis, plus he had 45 years of life under his belt. There would be sparks.

Hannibal turned the offer down, intelligently. This was going to be hard to keep up with.

Butler arrived and took his accustomed place, standing at Artemis's side. He'd been quite startled when he had looked at a monitor and seen his Principal sitting calmly across the table from a man who ate human livers with expensive wine. Naturally, he had taken off in a flat out sprint.

"Dr. Lector," Artemis said, "This is Butler. I am sure you have heard of him. But enough pleasantries. Why have you come?"

Hannibal leaned forward a bit. "A challenge."

"Of what nature?"

Hannibal touched his temple.

They never broke eye contact. Not for a moment. "Challenge accepted," Artemis said simply.

"Very well. Captain Short?"

Holly floated over to them. "Alright, boys. I have in my hand here two identical copies of a test. Neither of you have seen it before. It's in five different languages including English and Latin. There are 100 questions and problems in all subjects ranging from physics to math to art history. You must answer every question in the language it was asked in. You may only use a pen, and any scratched-out marks will count against you. Spelling and grammar count. You may not use any technology or scrap paper. Calculations must be done in your head: anything in the margins and it's marked wrong. You will have one hour. Since it's possible, although unlikely, that you'll both get everything perfectly right, if that happens then whoever turned it in first will be declared winner. They will be graded and judged by an impartial third party. And believe me as if it wasn't hard enough to find fairies that don't hate the two of you, it was even harder finding fairies that were qualified to answer even one question _and_ don't hate you. You're not allowed to talk once the test begins. Questions?"

There were none. Holly handed them both pens and then their papers, face down. She held a stopwatch. "Begin," she said, and pushed the button.

Butler tried to read over Artemis's shoulder, and the first problem was in English, but by the time he had finished reading it Artemis had answered it and Butler still didn't understand the question. The next one was what looked like math, but there were no numbers to be seen. The one after that was in a language Butler didn't even recognize. He gave up trying to read them and went back to watching Hannibal's every more, but not before exchanging despairing glances with Holly, who was reading over the cannibal's shoulder. And she had the gift of tongues!

42 minutes later, Artemis set his pen quietly down. Holly collected his paper. 15 seconds after that, Hannibal did the same.

And then they were back to staring at each other. The test was an hour long, so they simply sat and stared for the final 17 minutes and 45 seconds.

When that time had passed, Holly's watch beeped and she said, "Pens down," as if she wasn't already holding their completed tests. "Okay... well... this is gonna take a while for everyone to grade. So... I'll be back."

Artemis nodded. "Dr. Lector, you are welcomed to stay at the manor until the results are returned, providing you do not kill anyone."

Hannibal gave his own version of a vampire grin. "No, I have lodgings nearby. Do contact me when the results are in, would you?"

"Certainly. Juliet will accompany you to the front entrance."

The man inclined his head and rose, and Artemis stood as well. "Thank you for a very interesting competition. May the best intellect win," the older genius said. They shook hands, and Juliet was there to show him the way out.

Once he left and was definitely out of earshot, Artemis sat down heavily on the chair again.

"Artemis?" Butler asked.

"Yes, Butler."

"Are you alright?"

"Exhausted, actually." He rubbed his eyes. "That man certainly loves to stare. At times I was sure he was imagining eating my cheeks."

"Well, you never faltered."

"Thank you."

"How was the test?"

Artemis didn't reply right away. "It was... _hard._"

Butler was surprised. "You didn't look like you were struggling."

"A poker face, old friend. I was surprised at the skill with which the test was composed. No question was ambiguous in any way, which was a first. There was no way to misinterpret or manipulate the question. And you had to know the answer specifically, which involves knowing straight-out factual information, and yet you had to be able to apply it. It was the best test I have ever gone up against."

"And it was... hard?"

Artemis chuckled. "There was only one multiple choice question. There were 26 possible answers, A through Z."

"Did you know all the languages?"

"Oh yes."

"Well enough to write in them with no spelling or grammatical errors?"

"Yes. That was only a mild inconvenience."

"Then what leads you to define it as hard?" Butler was stuck in formal speaking mode.

"It was the questions. They were all the kind where you _know_ the answer but the answer is nearly impossible to express. They make your brain slow down as if in wet cement. I had never experienced that before. It was quite alarming."

"Do you think you won?"

"I completed the test before Dr. Lector did."

"Yes, but did you answer all the questions correctly?"

Artemis looked at him, puzzled. "Of course."

Butler shook his head. His employer's mind would never cease to amaze him.

..BREAK.

Four days later, the group gathered to hear the results. Neither Hannibal nor Artemis looked nervous.

Holly held out a large manila envelope. "Everyone ready?" She opened the envelope. Her eyes went wide. "You... you both got one hundred percent. You... you really..." She had looked over a copy of the test the day after they took it. It was impossible. Foaly tried one and failed. He had used his computers. They had sent one through Opal Koibi's cell bars and _she_ had gotten only ninety-nine percent. "So, um, Artemis completed his test 15.423 seconds before Hannibal, so Artemis is the winner."

Lector grinned his most haunting grin at Artemis. "Very well done, Artemis Fowl. I cannot wait to see what you will become."

"Thank you, Dr. Lector. It was a stimulating competition."

The older genius nodded, and Juliet escorted him out again.

And that was the day Artemis Fowl proved himself smarter than Hannibal the Cannibal.


End file.
